Author's note: this is part two of a multi-part series on the parent-teenager relationship. In the coming weeks, search the OSF Newsroom for Sara Bennett to find all the stories in this series.


What’s more delicate than a Fabergé egg? The parent-teenager relationship.

“Teenagers are working toward independence. That’s the good part. The hard part is that means they lean more toward their peer relationships,” says Sara Bennett, a psychotherapist at OSF HealthCare. “It can leave parents feeling like they’re drifting apart. It can make parents feel like they’re not very important. And it can make the teenagers a little moodier. They might be taking risks they weren’t once taking. They might find peer relationships that are not very positive.

“All of that can feel really challenging for parents to navigate when it feels like your child is slipping through your fingers,” Bennett adds.

Never fear, mom, dad and other caregivers. Bennett has a checklist to foster some years filled with respect, trustworthiness and positivity.

• Build trust with your teen. Two things for parents to consider here: have clear and concise expectations, and be consistent with your reactions.
  
  For example, if you let your child spend the night with their friend Matt one weekend but not the next, that could breed some confusion and resentment.
  
  “We want to create foresight and perspective so when they are out of our house and on their own making decisions, they can walk logically to make a great space for themselves,” Bennett says.
  
  Bennett says if your teen meets your expectations, you can reward them. Some rewards are inherent, she says. If the youngster gets good grades or calls dad to say they’re going to be late, that means less harping by the parents. But other rewards could include an allowance or treating them to dinner at their favorite restaurant.
   
• Know that advice and parenting strategies will change with age. Handling a 13-year-old is different than handling a 17-or 18-year-old, Bennett says with a smile.

“You start at 13 having more responsibility. Parents open the dialogue and talk about forgiveness, collaboration and developing that perspective. Then maybe by the time they’re 17, they don’t need a whole lot of parenting in that way,” Bennett says. “So maybe a 13-year-old still needs an 11 o’clock bedtime. But by the time they’re 17, they can really navigate their own bedtime. They know when they’re tired. They know when they have work to do. They know when wrestling practice is. Parents can just follow through and make sure they’re staying on track.”

• Give yourself grace. Bennett reminds you that parenting is tough, and there are a lot of people – family, friends and influencers – who try to tell you how to do it. Find what works for your family. Try hard, but cut yourself some slack when things aren’t perfect.
  
  “We all get on ourselves. We have a lot of parent guilt. But when you are loving your kids and putting time into them, the things you do wrong are just part of being a human being. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and your kids know that,” Bennett reassures. “In fact, I think parents and kids learn the most when they’ve both made mistakes and can find their way through.”

For example, don’t be afraid to say something like: I was really mad this morning, and maybe I said things I shouldn’t have. I’d like to revisit this and do this a different way because I think we both deserve a different outcome. That teaches good conflict resolution, Bennett says.

Or, ask: what can I do for you? What do you want from this situation? Remember that teenagers are experts on issues in their own life, and an adult won’t be able to solve all their problems. Sometimes, Bennett says, kids just want to vent.

Learn more

Read more about mental health resources available at OSF that can help build good family dynamics. Some resources, like behavioral health navigators and support groups at hospitals like the one Bennett works at, are available even if you are not an OSF patient.

Interview clips

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Author's note: this is part one of a multi-part series on the parent-teenager relationship. In the coming weeks, search the OSF Newsroom for Sara Bennett to find all the stories in this series.


What’s more delicate than a Fabergé egg? The parent-teenager relationship.

“Teenagers are working toward independence. That’s the good part. The hard part is that means they lean more toward their peer relationships,” says Sara Bennett, a psychotherapist at OSF HealthCare. “It can leave parents feeling like they’re drifting apart. It can make parents feel like they’re not very important. And it can make the teenagers a little moodier. They might be taking risks they weren’t once taking. They might find peer relationships that are not very positive.

“All of that can feel really challenging for parents to navigate when it feels like your child is slipping through your fingers,” Bennett adds.

Never fear, mom, dad and other caregivers. Bennett has a checklist to foster some years filled with respect, trustworthiness and positivity.

• Find shared experiences. Bennett points out that parents have no problem bonding with young kids. The youngsters want to play with mom and dad all the time. As kids get older, they are more often out of the house and exploring new interests.
  
  “With teenagers, parents tend to focus on the things that they deem important. How’d you do on your math test? How is your relationship with Susie?” Bennett says. “Those are great, and they need to be talked about. But we also need to spend time just doing things we enjoy with each other. Focus on trivial or unimportant things.”
  
  Try these with your teen: game night, a family dinner or a round of mini golf.
  
  “Just something to truly enjoy each other and stay connected in a fun way,” Bennett says. And it’s a time to talk about anything and everything that’s going on with the child. Just make sure it’s an activity the teen wants to do and the parent can tolerate for a couple hours, not the other way around.
   
• Build communication skills. Bennett advises keeping the conversations consistent and light. Try asking: what’s the goofiest thing that happened at school today?
  
  “Connect with them on the things that matter to them. Then when the things that come up that are important to talk about, you can do that,” Bennett suggests. “When you do talk to them about the big, important things, ask them how it’s going. Leave it open-ended, validate their feelings and stay engaged and connected with them. Really try to hear what they’re saying. And before we decide to dive in and give them any constructive tips or problem solve for them, ask them if they would like help. Try to create some forethought and perspective instead of telling them what they should do.”
  
  Examples of open-ended questions on tough topics: What are kids doing with drugs these days? Are your friends drinking on the weekends? What do you think about that? If you’re ever in that situation, are you going to get in a car with someone who’s been drinking? What would your coach think of you doing that?
  
  Verbiage to avoid: You’re going to be in big trouble if you come home tonight and I find out you’ve been drinking.

Learn more

Read more about mental health resources available at OSF that can help build good family dynamics. Some resources, like behavioral health navigators and support groups at hospitals like the one Bennett works at, are available even if you are not an OSF patient.

Interview clips

Related stories

Don't feel the burn
Fall into self-care
College student home? Here's how to check their mental health
Big emotions, bigger solutions
Mental health care starts with a first step

Whenever Paul Engelman’s wife left the house to join friends at their monthly book club gathering, the Rockford resident found himself looking for something to do. With all their children grown and out of the house, he could watch a sporting event or knock out some items from his honey-do list. But what he really was looking for was a social outlet of his own.

Over the years, Engelman has had plenty of male friends. Guys he grew up with, attended school with or served with in the military. But now in his 60s, he has few friends he would consider close knit.

“There wasn't anybody I thought of if I needed to call somebody for some help,” says Engelman, who works as a defense contractor. “If I'm in a pinch, who would I call around here? The list was short. So, the No Book Book Club (NBBC) was born.” 

For the past four years, members of the NBBC meet on a regular basis, much like their wives do with their book club. Anywhere from five to 10 guys get together to simply hang out. It might be at Engelman’s house to watch a football game, or a visit to a neighborhood establishment for trivia night. Some of the members have even joined an indoor golf league. The only thing the group doesn’t do is read books.

“I put out the call to put together the No Book Book Club, and the response was energetic,” Engelman says. “There are guys who are in our age group, are late in their work life, or retired, have children out of the house, or who have a gap when it comes to male friends.”

Engelman isn’t alone in that sense. According to a survey by the Survey Center on American Life, fewer than half of the men responding are happy with their friendships. Only about one in five said they had received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with four in 10 women.

In 2021, 15% of U.S. men admitted to having no close friends, which was five times more than 1990. And men with six or more good friends dropped from 55% to 27% during that same period. 

Forming a bond

Male friendships are important for many reasons, according to experts. Friendships foster bonding, connection, support and even validation. Friendships give men not only social outlets, but opportunities to bond over things that consume our lives, such as family, health, work and financial issues.

Travis Swink, DO, is a primary care provider for OSF HealthCare. He talks about the need for relationships with many of his male patients.

“You have to have some outlet outside of your family that you connect with, because connection is very important,” says Dr. Swink. “Where I see the most depression and the most issues are with people who isolate. Finding some outside source of entertainment and activity is important.”

Victor Mendoza is a behavioral health provider with OSF HealthCare. He says friendships usually call for some emotional vulnerability which may make some men uncomfortable.

“I think one of the barriers that men have is that we have a hard time opening up, because that has been seen as a weakness,” says Mendoza. “That affects them from communicating with other men about their feelings, and what they have going on. That just creates more isolation, which leads to depression or anxiety.”

Mendoza says male friends often connect over real life situations. It could be marital problems or work-life balance issues. How much you want to unload on your male friends is up to you. Mendoza adds that you could save your problems for another day and simply decide to catch a baseball game and enjoy a hot dog and your favorite beverage.

“Not every single interaction that you have has to be deep,” Mendoza says. “It could also be spending time with other people and having a good time."

Where to start

Mendoza says there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with a male sibling or cousin. But if you’re seeking friendship outside of your family circle, he recommends connecting with community resources such as church, fitness centers or other social gathering places.

“Having a good support system can help with your self-esteem,” Mendoza says. “It could help with your productivity at work, at home. You know, being a better father, a better husband or a better partner. You feel happier and just enjoy life better, in general.”

Engelman says forming his men’s group has been extremely rewarding. He adds that the camaraderie he gets from his male friends provides the balance he was looking for in life.

While members have come and gone, including one who died from cancer, the men have become closer on an individual basis. Engelman is always looking for new members who he thinks might ‘vibe’ with the rest of the group.

“I've found in talking about the No Book Book Club that everyone I've talked to has said, ‘That's a great idea.’ So, we're going to continue and keep going.”
 

Paul Engelman interview clips 

Dr. Travis Swink, Victor Mendoza interview clips 

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