As grief becomes a more visible topic in podcasts and national media, mental health experts say those conversations are helping people feel less isolated and more confident in how they mourn.

Amy Brooke, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist for OSF HealthCare says CNN’s Anderson Cooper's podcast, "All There Is," creates a public space for discussing loss, which normalizes grief and helps people feel less alone by sharing real experiences and emphasizing that joy can coexist with grief. Brooke also believes it promotes healing through connection and shared stories rather than suppression.

“I think it’s a great thing that they were talking about it, because a lot of times people who are grieving feel very alone and isolated and they’re afraid of doing it wrong, and so what the podcast does is it helps people see how things are similar and even how people grieve differently.”  And, she says the podcast makes it clear, that’s ok – that there’s no, one, right way to grieve, even though the ways people grieve are often judged.

Brooke emphasizes every person’s grief is unique because every person’s relationship with the person who was lost is unique. That’s why you can have siblings in the same family grieve very differently.

Talking about loved ones, no matter how much time has passed, can be an important part of healing and remembrance, Brooke emphasizes.

“A lot of times, when people are grieving, they sometimes feel like they’re bothering people if they talk about it, because ‘Oh, my mom died a year ago. I shouldn’t still be talking about her,’ but what the podcast does, it says, ‘No, it’s okay to talk about it if it’s 20 years ago.” 

Some people don’t know how to be around someone who has lost someone close to them. Brooke advises just being open to allowing them to share memories. Grief is an expression of love, she stresses, and allowing people to share memories and talk about their loved one is important to helping them honor that loving relationship.

Talk about lost loved ones

“What it does is it makes it about transforming the loss rather than removing the person. We don’t want to remove the person from our lives. We’re grieving them because they were so important to us. Why would we want to get rid of them?” 

Grief is not linear but it’s also not cyclical. She calls it similar to “darts being thrown at your soul” and sometimes it pops up in the oddest places. Brooke advises being aware of that because you can better recognize grief when it surfaces at strange times such as during a movie, passing by a store, or even hearing a turn of phrase from a grandchild.

Support groups, she adds, provide a unique type of connection that friends and family sometimes cannot, especially for people who fear burdening those closest to them.

“It is very different than talking to your friends, because a lot of times with our friends, we’re afraid we’re burdening them, where, with a support group, you have time set aside to actually talk about that person, and even if you’re not talking about it, you’re listening to somebody else, and you’re giving that support to them, which can feel really good if you feel like you’ve just been taking.” 

For people who aren’t typically joiners, she recommends exploring online grief groups. There are often some specific to the type of death someone suffered such as from cancer or violence.

Grief often becomes more intense during the holidays, when traditions and memories can magnify a sense of loss. Brooke encourages people to release expectations and redefine what the season looks like for them.

Her advice for reframing the holidays includes allowing yourself to recognize how it’s going to be different and then deciding what would be comforting to you. It doesn’t have to be comforting to everyone else; she stresses coming up with that kind of new tradition or activity will help you feel better.

There's no timeline on grief

Also, Brooke says be gentle and lower your own expectations of yourself and the holiday.

“The energy we put into trying to make it the same is kind of harmful, because we’re using all of our energy to really try to do something that’s impossible.” 

Despite growing awareness, Brooke observes that society still places unrealistic limits on grief, especially in workplaces, which can leave people feeling pressured to move on before they are ready.

“We put a time limit on grief, and for example, if someone’s mother dies, we say you actually have three days off to deal with that grief, and three days is not enough time to deal with a loss.”

Brooke also thinks society doesn’t recognize the importance of the loss of other, significant people in our lives including friends, extended family, and neighbors and that our culture pressures us to compartmentalize grief and move on. Those cultural pressures, Brooke says, can lead to delayed or unprocessed grief that can later show up in physical ailments such as fatigue, sleep/appetite changes, anxiety, depression, isolation and intense sadness/anger.

In some cases, alcohol and substance abuse can arise as people work to suppress grief and avoid thinking about their loss. However, as public conversations about loss continue, experts such as Brooke hope they will lead to more understanding and more grace for people grieving in ways that are deeply personal and impossible to place on a timeline.

Video Clips of Amy Brooke

B-roll-Grief at the holidays

While society adjusts to the new normal of work, family, social interaction, along with an easing of health and safety protocols post-pandemic, behavioral health leaders say the residual impact on increasing loneliness among all age groups and populations can’t be ignored.

Research has found that social isolation significantly increases a person's risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.

For example, a study, published by Jama Network Open establishes a link between social isolation and blood-clotting protein levels which can contribute to stroke or heart attacks in older women.  Being lonely could trigger flight and fight stress levels of fibrinogen which usually spikes in case of blood loss and injury.

Most of us understand that getting older can mean a loss of friends and a greater feeling of loneliness but in recent years, researchers have found millennials are feeling lonelier than Baby Boomers.

According to a study by Cigna, young adults are twice as likely to be lonely than seniors. Seventy-nine percent of adults aged 18 to 24 report feeling lonely compared to 41% of seniors aged 66 and older. This is consistent with earlier research.

Morgan Hurtado of Bloomington, Illinois is in her early 30s and has three younger boys. She works days. Her husband works second shift. Weekends are spent with her oldest boy’s travel soccer team. But Hurtado lives where she grew up and has longtime friends nearby. However, she says at least one other millennial friend has moved and feels very disconnected.

“I see him a lot on social media just doing things by himself or maybe on Snapchat just sitting at home, watching TV, not really going out and having face-to-face interactions in a large group setting where there, being a metropolitan area, there’s plenty of opportunity to do that,” she shared.

 OSF HealthCare Behavioral Health Director Cheryl Crowe says many millennials are focused on developing and advancing in their careers which often takes them away from their family and friends.

“We’re now a very mobile workforce. Previously the kids who came back home, worked and they were near family, and they still had their high school friends. That dynamic is fading quite a bit,” she suggested.

Crowe points out loneliness is not about being physically alone, but it speaks to a loss of feeling connected through meaningful relationships. Other studies have decisively linked heavy social media and internet use with both loneliness and depression. Crowe says it’s certainly a contributing factor with an age group which tends to spend more time on the internet and social media.

“When you are on social media, a lot of what you’re seeing is not reality. What we post are our best situations, our best self, our best opportunities and often when we look at that, we may not measure up to what our friends are doing or what our acquaintances are doing,” according to Crowe.

As Hurtado began reflecting, the mom realized she mostly relies on her family for intimate discussions and support. She is challenging herself to get out of her comfort zone and make more in-person connections.

“Something I’m trying in my personal life as sort of an experiment if you will, is to limit my social media interactions or just limit my time as a whole on social media, forcing me to have those in-person interactions more often and maybe leading to new relationships, friendships.”

Pandemic effect on older seniors in nursing homes

Newer research from the AARP Foundation  showed the consequences of isolation and loneliness on nursing home residents’ quality of life are alarming: 50% increased risk of developing dementia, a 32% increased risk of stroke and a nearly fourfold increased risk of death among heart failure patients. That study was conducted in 2020, the first full year of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Dr. Denise Dechow (pronounced DECK-oh), DO, a psychiatrist at OSF HealthCare who specializes in geriatric care, says long term care shutdowns left a lasting impact. Patients who had trouble hearing and seeing really struggled with the technology that allowed virtual visits with family, friends or medical providers.

Some nursing homes with COVID-19 outbreaks required patients to remain in their rooms, so residents experienced even more isolation than usual. That, in turn, affected their physical and mental health, Dr. Dechow says.

“Feelings of loneliness can lead to increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance use disorder, aggression, impulsivity and suicidal thoughts.”

AARP Foundation analyzed federal data and found 1 in 8 nursing home residents passed away from COVID-19. At the same time, the pandemic prevented many people from gathering and holding funerals. That was particularly hard on older seniors who saw their fellow long term care residents, or in some cases, lifelong friends pass away.

Dr. Dechow says grieving is more challenging without access to the rituals that might make it more bearable. There is a condition called Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe, individuals have trouble recovering from the loss.

“And this has to do with prolonging symptoms of anxiety, depression, sadness and sleep disturbance. What we notice is that we can’t not participate in these rituals. These are important and must take place, even if it’s a year after someone has passed.”

The risk of PGD is higher in older adults and those with a psychiatric history. Dr. Dechow says health care providers are going to have to recognize symptoms of this relatively newly defined disorder and make proper referrals.

Are you at risk for loneliness and social isolation? Check out this National Institutes of Health infographic for a list of risk factors and 5 ways to stay more connected.

OSF Silver Cloud is a free online tool and phone app to help manage the feelings and causes of depression, anxiety or stress. OSF HealthCare also offers free behavioral health navigation services to help understand all resources available to you.

Video clips with Morgan Hurtado 

Video clips with  Cheryl Crowe

Video clips with Dr. Denise Dechow, (pronounced DECK-oh), DO