Morgan Hurtado of Bloomington, Illinois, is in her early 30s and has three boys. She works during the day, while her husband works second shift. Weekends are spent with her oldest boy’s travel soccer team. But as Hurtado began reflecting, the mom realized she mostly relies on her family for deep discussions and support.

Hurtado’s experience isn’t rare.  Results of research released this year found the loneliness epidemic is deep among parents. 

According to a survey by The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, nearly two-thirds of parents surveyed “felt the demands of parenthood sometimes or frequently feel isolated and lonely.” About 62% feel “burned out by their responsibilities as a parent.” Nearly two in five (38%) “feel they have no one to support them in their parenting role.”

In May, the United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released a new surgeon general advisory calling attention to the public health crisis of loneliness, isolation and lack of connection in our country.

Kyle Boerke, PsyD, a clinical child psychologist and the director of behavioral health outpatient services at OSF HealthCare, says parents have long felt lonely due to the heavy investment in their children, and the latest Ohio State research confirms that was exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic. Parents were forced to take on additional roles for their children.

“They also were thrown into being a teacher, or they were thrown into becoming a daycare provider, in addition to whatever their typical job was, as well. And so, the demands continue rising for parents. And they’re investing so much into their children, and it’s draining. It’s leading to that burnout we’re hearing about in the study,” Dr. Boerke says.

Dr. Boerke has spoken across the country about the harms of social media and says despite the idea that it can keep people feeling more connected, he says it is actually contributing to the loneliness epidemic.

“It’s very clear the anxiety, depression, loneliness that people feel. It’s literally a one-to-one correspondence. Increase in social media use, increase in anxiety and depression.”

The artificial social interaction, he stresses, often replaces efforts for one-on-one or group social interaction. Still, he thinks social media, when used for good, can be an important connector.

“If we utilize the tool of social media to find social interactions and then go do those human-to-human, face- to-face, in-person interactions, that’s a great use of the tool,” Dr. Boerke says. But he adds, “Unfortunately, that’s not oftentimes how it’s being used.”

Hurtado is challenging herself to get out of her comfort zone and make more in-person connections.

“Something I’m trying in my personal life as sort of an experiment, if you will, is to limit my social media interactions or just limit my time as a whole on social media, forcing me to have those in-person interactions more often and maybe leading to new relationships and friendships,” she says.

Just as counselors often advise busy parents to make sure they have regular date nights to keep their relationship strong, Dr. Boerke says couples need to keep their individual “buckets” full.  In other words, it’s vitally important to make time for yourself and have social interactions that bring you joy and that are not necessarily focused on children.

Dr. Boerke suggests joining a book club and focusing on whether you can do that with people in your own neighborhood This way, you don’t have to get in your car and drive and can’t use the excuse that you’re too tired to do it. Proximity for interactions, Dr. Boerke suggests, is important to keep you accountable.

“Because if I can find somebody close by, even if it’s, ‘I’m gonna ask a neighbor to go on a walk with me three times a week, Monday, Wednesday Friday. We’re gonna walk in the morning before we go to work or before I start the day’,” Dr. Boerke suggests.

Mom groups are also an outlet for social interaction with people who have shared experiences.  Dr. Boerke explains you might have great friends, but their kids are in high school. And although they’ve been through the preschool age, those preschool experiences are in the past for them. So that connection is going to be a little weaker or not as beneficial to you.

Some parents find real friendship with parents of other kids during travel sports. Dr. Boerke advises when choosing activities for kids, make sure to select teams or groups where you personally connect well with other parents.

Dr. Kyle Boerke

Mom of three Morgan Hurtado of Bloomington, Illinois

B-roll for parental loneliness

The shooting at a parade for the Kansas City Chiefs that killed one person and wounded 22 included children and that, no doubt, will have some kids worried about their own safety at public events. According to local media accounts, 11 children were wounded and required hospital treatment but none critically. The children are expected to make a full recovery.

“The conversation really should be about the child. Give them permission to express their feelings. Make sure that they understand it’s important for them to be expressing their opinions, their viewpoints, their feelings. We want to make sure that they are hearing from us as the parent that we care about what they think. We care about what they are feeling,” explains Kyle Boerke, PsyD, director of OSF HealthCare Outpatient Behavioral Health Services.

As information comes in, children may misinterpret what they hear, and might be frightened by something they don’t understand. Dr. Boerke says the first step parents should take is to simply ask kids what they know, and then talk about it truthfully, in a way that is appropriate for the age and developmental level of their child.

“We want them to know the information that I am giving to them is something that they can trust is accurate. If they are hearing me fiddle with the truth one way or another and they have a teacher at school that is having conversations with them, that is going to put kind of a doubt in their head. So, it is important to be open and honest with them at that age-appropriate level. That way they know that they can trust you as a parent and your discretion,” he says.

And while the topic of how to solve gun violence might be divisive, parents can use the current environment as a teaching opportunity. Dr. Boerke reminds us that our kids are watching our reactions to current events and how we treat those with differing opinions or outlooks.

“We have the ability to model how we agree with or how we disagree with something in an appropriate way, and especially in a time like this when the country is so divided, that is a really important thing for us to model – appropriate ways to disagree or have different opinions from other people,” urges Dr. Boerke.

And Dr. Boerke says one of the most important things a parent can do is to reassure kids that they are safe, that home is a safe place, and that mom and dad are going to be ok.

“During unsettling times, sometimes kids can have trouble coping. Dr. Boerke says signs of that include changes in behavior like nightmares, a child not sleeping, new fears, a lack of concentration or unusual moods.”

If a parent notices these changes are ongoing, and talking with the child doesn’t seem to alleviate the fear, Dr. Boerke suggests speaking to your child’s pediatrician to get a referral to a behavioral health provider.  OSF HealthCare Behavioral Health provides outpatient-based counseling services for people of all ages, from infants to the elderly. You can learn more by clicking here, or by calling (309) 664-3130.

Video clips with Dr. Kyle Boerke

There is no doubt there is a mental health pandemic in this country – a crisis that was already brewing and then made worse by the COVID-19 pandemic.

That’s from Dr. Kyle Boerke, the director of Behavioral Health Outpatient Services at OSF HealthCare.  He says innovative solutions are needed to meet the exponentially-growing demand for mental health interventions and treatment, particularly among children and teens.

Dr. Boerke cites as evidence, a concerning report from the World Health Organization (WHO) released last month.

“Identifying a 25% increase in anxiety year-over-year and that was on top of a 50% increase from the year prior to that so if you take a look at the numbers, we truly are not just in a COVID-19 pandemic but a behavioral health pandemic as well.”

An average of 16 children are admitted to an OSF hospital every day for a mental, emotional, or behavioral health diagnosis. Last year, nearly 10,000 children sought outpatient behavioral health services from OSF and many more are on waiting lists.

Sister M. Pieta Keller is an innovation biomedical engineer at Jump Simulation, and the project manager and engineer for a new Community Health Advocacy (CHA) grant. She says the project will involve developing an algorithm, using data from school records, to reach students before they are in crisis – ideally before they end up in the emergency department for a suicide attempt or extreme anxiety.

This project is a collaboration between OSF HealthCare and the University of Illinois Chicago (UIC). It’s an attempt to reach students, even those who might not be an OSF patient, where they spend a majority of most days – in school during the school year.   

Researchers will work with select middle and high schools in the Catholic Diocese of Peoria and Chicago archdiocese, along with, potentially, some public schools, to use de-identified student data that national studies reveal are indicators of behavioral health issues. Those include a drop in grades and attendance, behavior marks, and even socio-economic factors that are associated with mental health challenges.

Sister M. Pieta says as OSF and UIC work to develop the algorithm, its criteria would be flagged in the school’s information management system so teachers, counselors, and even coaches can see when kids might need additional support.
“They can decide if those flags, those compassion alerts, apply or if that student just has senioritis, or is just underperforming at this moment for a small reason and not a big deal, or if they were absent because they were doing school activities for so long or whatever the case may be. So they can kind of be a first discerner and say ‘Are these alerts?’ and intervention is appropriate and necessary?”

Approach could help those privately struggling

Many children with anxiety struggle privately. Dr. Boerke, who is also involved in the research, points out a model that can process so much data could be more effective in picking up slight changes over time that signal a student might be suffering.

“The beauty of this early identification and detection is we’re going to be able to see those small slips in grades over time, and a child who would have gone under the radar because they’re so quiet out of fear that the attention will be brought to them – and they don’t want that because of their anxiety – they’re going to be able to be identified and receive the help they need as well.”

Dr. Boerke is excited about this kind of innovation – developed with clinicians, engineers, computer and data scientists, and social workers who understand the dynamics of an urban population, –

which could allow for a proactive approach.

“The older they get, the more ingrained those behaviors and those cognitions become; it’s harder work. So, if we can catch it as early as possible we’re going to be in a better position to provide these kiddos with the care they need.”

Sister M. Pieta says the research team plans to submit a proposal to the Institutional Review Board (IRB), which oversees research involving individuals, to ensure their methods and data collection are aligned with ethical standards, including protections required by federal laws regarding student and health care patient privacy.

Only teachers and others with authorized access to student records would be provided with alerts.  If parental consent is given for the program, digital and in-person resources can be shared with the student.

“Existing resources in all areas of life, whether it’s in mental health, whether it’s in emotional supports, or even physical and spiritual support; we want to connect them to existing, vetted resources that are age-appropriate.”

Sister M. Pieta says the effort will leverage evidence-based interventions, including OSF SilverCloud, a behavioral health app that has proven to reduce symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression in adults.

“So we’ve seen the advantages that it’s brought to adults, and we want to reach our children with that same care, if not more care, because they’re more vulnerable and they’re at a time in their life when they really need that help; that additional support, that additional connection – that heart connection that we’re trying to establish.”

OSF is seeking additional outside funding through a separate innovation challenge that could bring more resources to creating, testing, and fully integrating the algorithm with school information management systems.

Dr. Kyle Boerke, director of Outpatient Behavioral Health Services, OSF HealthCare

Sister M. Pieta Keller, innovation biomedical engineer, OSF Jump Simulation