Whenever Paul Engelman’s wife left the house to join friends at their monthly book club gathering, the Rockford resident found himself looking for something to do. With all their children grown and out of the house, he could watch a sporting event or knock out some items from his honey-do list. But what he really was looking for was a social outlet of his own.

Over the years, Engelman has had plenty of male friends. Guys he grew up with, attended school with or served with in the military. But now in his 60s, he has few friends he would consider close knit.

“There wasn't anybody I thought of if I needed to call somebody for some help,” says Engelman, who works as a defense contractor. “If I'm in a pinch, who would I call around here? The list was short. So, the No Book Book Club (NBBC) was born.” 

For the past four years, members of the NBBC meet on a regular basis, much like their wives do with their book club. Anywhere from five to 10 guys get together to simply hang out. It might be at Engelman’s house to watch a football game, or a visit to a neighborhood establishment for trivia night. Some of the members have even joined an indoor golf league. The only thing the group doesn’t do is read books.

“I put out the call to put together the No Book Book Club, and the response was energetic,” Engelman says. “There are guys who are in our age group, are late in their work life, or retired, have children out of the house, or who have a gap when it comes to male friends.”

Engelman isn’t alone in that sense. According to a survey by the Survey Center on American Life, fewer than half of the men responding are happy with their friendships. Only about one in five said they had received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with four in 10 women.

In 2021, 15% of U.S. men admitted to having no close friends, which was five times more than 1990. And men with six or more good friends dropped from 55% to 27% during that same period. 

Forming a bond

Male friendships are important for many reasons, according to experts. Friendships foster bonding, connection, support and even validation. Friendships give men not only social outlets, but opportunities to bond over things that consume our lives, such as family, health, work and financial issues.

Travis Swink, DO, is a primary care provider for OSF HealthCare. He talks about the need for relationships with many of his male patients.

“You have to have some outlet outside of your family that you connect with, because connection is very important,” says Dr. Swink. “Where I see the most depression and the most issues are with people who isolate. Finding some outside source of entertainment and activity is important.”

Victor Mendoza is a behavioral health provider with OSF HealthCare. He says friendships usually call for some emotional vulnerability which may make some men uncomfortable.

“I think one of the barriers that men have is that we have a hard time opening up, because that has been seen as a weakness,” says Mendoza. “That affects them from communicating with other men about their feelings, and what they have going on. That just creates more isolation, which leads to depression or anxiety.”

Mendoza says male friends often connect over real life situations. It could be marital problems or work-life balance issues. How much you want to unload on your male friends is up to you. Mendoza adds that you could save your problems for another day and simply decide to catch a baseball game and enjoy a hot dog and your favorite beverage.

“Not every single interaction that you have has to be deep,” Mendoza says. “It could also be spending time with other people and having a good time."

Where to start

Mendoza says there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with a male sibling or cousin. But if you’re seeking friendship outside of your family circle, he recommends connecting with community resources such as church, fitness centers or other social gathering places.

“Having a good support system can help with your self-esteem,” Mendoza says. “It could help with your productivity at work, at home. You know, being a better father, a better husband or a better partner. You feel happier and just enjoy life better, in general.”

Engelman says forming his men’s group has been extremely rewarding. He adds that the camaraderie he gets from his male friends provides the balance he was looking for in life.

While members have come and gone, including one who died from cancer, the men have become closer on an individual basis. Engelman is always looking for new members who he thinks might ‘vibe’ with the rest of the group.

“I've found in talking about the No Book Book Club that everyone I've talked to has said, ‘That's a great idea.’ So, we're going to continue and keep going.”
 

Paul Engelman interview clips 

Dr. Travis Swink, Victor Mendoza interview clips 

B-Roll 

College students will soon be home for summer break. They’re embarking on their independent phase, so opening up about mental health to their parents might not top the summer to-do list. It can leave parents wondering: How did the school year go? Did they make friends? Are they doing OK mentally?

Rachel Yuhas, LCPC, a psychotherapist at OSF HealthCare, says there are dos and don’ts to get the most out of a conversation with a young adult.

School stress

Yuhas says going off to college is a huge transition. The student may miss home. They may have trouble being accountable with no 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. structure they had in high school. Making friends can also be difficult. Yuhas says college students may be stressed and scared to branch out and meet people.

“They might be anxious or get into a rut of depression. They might isolate. They might sleep too much or not sleep at all,” Yuhas says.

Warning signs

Yuhas says parents should watch for drastic changes in their college student’s appearance as a possible “red flag” of a mental health concern. Some weight gain or loss in college is expected, but significant weight changes should warrant a discussion.

“This might mean they’re not taking care of themselves,” Yuhas says. “Stress might be coming on. They might be depressed. All of those things can cause issues with appetite.”

Other things to watch for:

• The young adult is spending most of their time away from others. Maybe they’re in their room sleeping all day.
   
• They drop hints about their college experience, such as “I didn’t join any new clubs this year.”
   
• The person looks messy. Maybe they used to be a snazzy dresser with groomed hair, but they stopped keeping up that appearance. Or they stopped hygiene practices like using deodorant or brushing their teeth. Parents should ask themselves: Is my child keeping up with daily tasks?

Dos and don’ts

It’s time to talk to your child about their mental health.

• Do: Ask open ended questions, and let the child fill in the blanks. For example: How did final exams go?
  
  Don’t: Ask accusatory questions like: What’s wrong with you? Or: Why aren’t you talking to us?
  
  “If you get mad at them, that makes it worse. They won’t want to open up,” Yuhas says.
   
• Do: Find the right time. Let the child get settled back in, and have a conversation over lunch a day or two later.
  
  Don’t: Bombard your student with questions the moment they get into the house.
   
• Do: Curtail your reactions and judgements. Be kind and mindful.
  
  “Instead of asking ‘Why?’, say ‘Oh my gosh. I didn’t know about this. What’s been going on? Tell me more.’,” Yuhas says.
  
  Don’t: Have knee-jerk reactions like: How could you? Or: Why did you fail that class? Or even: You know I don’t like your major. Why haven’t you dropped it yet?

Next steps

After that first conversation, Yuhas urges parents to not let the issue go.

“I encourage parents to become emotion coaches with their children,” Yuhas says. “Continue to check in. Continue to ask, ‘How are you doing?’ or ‘I saw the college had this event. Was it something you went to?’ Just stay involved in their everyday life, but don’t bombard them.”

If things aren’t improving, the conversation might turn to: I want to help you. Have you thought about talking to a therapist? Would that be a good option?

“Put the ball in their court,” Yuhas says.

“When we go off to college, it can be a huge adjustment. So we try to normalize their feelings,” Yuhas adds, outlining what she might talk to a college student about in a therapy session. “We go over ways to make friends and socialize. We go over how to manage stress, anxiety and depression. We talk about coping skills.”

For example, if a student is leaving their dormitory just for class, Yuhas may suggest going to the library to study. The student may make a friend along the way. Yuhas may suggest exercise or meditation. Or, is homework procrastination causing stress? There are ways to change those habits.

Learn more

Read more about healthy thoughts and behaviors on the OSF HealthCare website. If your stress has reached a crisis where you are thinking about harming yourself or others, talk to a trusted adult or mental health professional or go to the emergency department right away. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is also available.

Interview clips

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Fall into self-care

Fall can be seen as a reset period. From changes to our breathing and sleeping habits, to the way we take care of ourselves. 

It's also a grea ttime to try something new. And that doesn't just mean the newest pumpkin spice latte. But, that could be part of the equation!

The seven pillars are a great place to start when it comes to putting together a wellness routine. They are mental, emotional, physical, environmental, spiritual, recreational and social. 

It's important to make each pillar your own and try for as many pillars you can for your overall wellness. Many of these naturally intertwine. 

OSF HealthCare psychotherapist Sara Bennett says quieting your mind is a great way to boost mental health. 

“It’s really nice when things slow down and you can just cuddle up in front of a fire with a blanket and some hot chocolate,” Bennett says. “Just enjoy the slowness. Being able to quiet your mind is a really great aspect of self-care.”

Bennett says getting outside for a hike with friends can help with the recreational, environmental and physical pillars. While volunteering in your community can improve your social and spiritual health. 

The cooler fall breeze sweeping through the Midwest can be a welcome sight for some, but to those with severe breathing disorders, it can be a challenging time. 

Dr. Juanbosco Ayala, a pulmonologist with OSF HealthCare, says getting the flu vaccine is a great way to protect yourself. 

He says you need to keep an eye on your breathing habits and if they're changing with the cooler weather. 

“Especially people with asthma or patients with emphysema or COPD, we notice some of their symptoms may come to the forefront with this change in weather. Things such as cough, shortness of breath and wheezing are common symptoms that may unfold during this timeframe," Dr. Ayala says. 

Dr. Ayala adds if you have a persistent cough that won't go away, or a fever, chills and night sweats, it's important to see your doctor right away. 

For those who love to sleep with the windows open in the fall, Dr. Ayala says that's totally fine.

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