As grief becomes a more visible topic in podcasts and national media, mental health experts say those conversations are helping people feel less isolated and more confident in how they mourn.

Amy Brooke, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist for OSF HealthCare says CNN’s Anderson Cooper's podcast, "All There Is," creates a public space for discussing loss, which normalizes grief and helps people feel less alone by sharing real experiences and emphasizing that joy can coexist with grief. Brooke also believes it promotes healing through connection and shared stories rather than suppression.

“I think it’s a great thing that they were talking about it, because a lot of times people who are grieving feel very alone and isolated and they’re afraid of doing it wrong, and so what the podcast does is it helps people see how things are similar and even how people grieve differently.”  And, she says the podcast makes it clear, that’s ok – that there’s no, one, right way to grieve, even though the ways people grieve are often judged.

Brooke emphasizes every person’s grief is unique because every person’s relationship with the person who was lost is unique. That’s why you can have siblings in the same family grieve very differently.

Talking about loved ones, no matter how much time has passed, can be an important part of healing and remembrance, Brooke emphasizes.

“A lot of times, when people are grieving, they sometimes feel like they’re bothering people if they talk about it, because ‘Oh, my mom died a year ago. I shouldn’t still be talking about her,’ but what the podcast does, it says, ‘No, it’s okay to talk about it if it’s 20 years ago.” 

Some people don’t know how to be around someone who has lost someone close to them. Brooke advises just being open to allowing them to share memories. Grief is an expression of love, she stresses, and allowing people to share memories and talk about their loved one is important to helping them honor that loving relationship.

Talk about lost loved ones

“What it does is it makes it about transforming the loss rather than removing the person. We don’t want to remove the person from our lives. We’re grieving them because they were so important to us. Why would we want to get rid of them?” 

Grief is not linear but it’s also not cyclical. She calls it similar to “darts being thrown at your soul” and sometimes it pops up in the oddest places. Brooke advises being aware of that because you can better recognize grief when it surfaces at strange times such as during a movie, passing by a store, or even hearing a turn of phrase from a grandchild.

Support groups, she adds, provide a unique type of connection that friends and family sometimes cannot, especially for people who fear burdening those closest to them.

“It is very different than talking to your friends, because a lot of times with our friends, we’re afraid we’re burdening them, where, with a support group, you have time set aside to actually talk about that person, and even if you’re not talking about it, you’re listening to somebody else, and you’re giving that support to them, which can feel really good if you feel like you’ve just been taking.” 

For people who aren’t typically joiners, she recommends exploring online grief groups. There are often some specific to the type of death someone suffered such as from cancer or violence.

Grief often becomes more intense during the holidays, when traditions and memories can magnify a sense of loss. Brooke encourages people to release expectations and redefine what the season looks like for them.

Her advice for reframing the holidays includes allowing yourself to recognize how it’s going to be different and then deciding what would be comforting to you. It doesn’t have to be comforting to everyone else; she stresses coming up with that kind of new tradition or activity will help you feel better.

There's no timeline on grief

Also, Brooke says be gentle and lower your own expectations of yourself and the holiday.

“The energy we put into trying to make it the same is kind of harmful, because we’re using all of our energy to really try to do something that’s impossible.” 

Despite growing awareness, Brooke observes that society still places unrealistic limits on grief, especially in workplaces, which can leave people feeling pressured to move on before they are ready.

“We put a time limit on grief, and for example, if someone’s mother dies, we say you actually have three days off to deal with that grief, and three days is not enough time to deal with a loss.”

Brooke also thinks society doesn’t recognize the importance of the loss of other, significant people in our lives including friends, extended family, and neighbors and that our culture pressures us to compartmentalize grief and move on. Those cultural pressures, Brooke says, can lead to delayed or unprocessed grief that can later show up in physical ailments such as fatigue, sleep/appetite changes, anxiety, depression, isolation and intense sadness/anger.

In some cases, alcohol and substance abuse can arise as people work to suppress grief and avoid thinking about their loss. However, as public conversations about loss continue, experts such as Brooke hope they will lead to more understanding and more grace for people grieving in ways that are deeply personal and impossible to place on a timeline.

Video Clips of Amy Brooke

B-roll-Grief at the holidays

Mental health challenges in young people

Brittany Algee, APRN, a board-certified psychiatric nurse practitioner at OSF HealthCare, says people Jamie’s age – late teens to mid-20s – have unique mental health challenges.

“It’s the transition phase into adulthood. They’re transitioning into college or a career. They’re starting a family. They have the pressure of being successful. There are financial constraints. They’re figuring out their lives,” Algee says. “They have this unrealistic expectation at 18 to have everything together. It’s very overwhelming.”

That can lead to anxiety and depression, and Algee says social media can make it all worse. Daily, symptoms can look like a lack of motivation, intrusive thoughts, worrying, eating too little or too much, irritability and poor hygiene. Parents should be on the lookout for all these.

“Maybe the child doesn’t want to talk as much. The child is self-isolating. You ask what they did over the weekend, and they say they stayed in bed. Or, they’re not going to class. Maybe the parent is getting a letter saying the child is on academic probation,” Algee says. “Those are red flags to ask ‘What’s going on? Why are we feeling that way?’

“Ask about sleeping habits, too,” she says. “Are they sleeping too much or not enough? Is there substance abuse going on? They could be doing that to self-medicate.”

If parents identify a problem, Algee suggests getting the child in to see their primary care provider, who could provide short-term help like medication while referring them to a mental health provider.

Some other tips from Algee and the Boones:

• Get outdoors to clear your head.
  
  “Exercise. Do some hiking or biking. Find hobbies and things you like,” Algee suggests. “I tell my patients not to wait until you have a buddy to do something you like. Nine times out of 10, you’re going to find some like-minded person you’re going to get along with. So if you want to go hear live music, go do it. There will be people there who like live music, too. That will help you meet new people.”
   
• When talking to a loved one about suicide, Johnny Boone says don’t be afraid to get specific. Ask if they have weapons at home. If so, ask to take them or change the combination to the gun safe, for example.
   
• Be mindful of how you talk about mental health and suicide, too. For example, Anita Boone suggests steering clear of phrases like “committed suicide” or “afflicted with mental health” because the person might feel judged.

Grieving a loss

Since Jamie’s death, Anita and Johnny have been in counseling, and Anita hasn’t returned to her accounting job at the University of Illinois. It’s proof that everyone grieves differently, and there’s no schedule for it, Algee says.

“There are numerous stages of grief,” Algee points out. “It’s imperative that you work through all of those stages. Seeing a mental health professional is going to be very beneficial in helping you get through those stages effectively and process the grief.

“Losing a child is absolutely horrific,” she adds. “It’s not something you can put a timeline on. You’re not going to get through it in a few weeks or years. It’s a void that’s difficult to fill. So just make sure you have resources like a therapist, medication and an overall support system.”

For the Boones, grieving involved changing their routine. Driving through the University of Illinois campus where Jamie once thrived is tough, so they steer clear when they can. A hobby of theirs – camping – is out in favor of a simpler outdoor activity – kayaking. Sometimes the couple talks while on the water. Sometimes they just float and cry.

There are even unconventional ways to grieve, as long as you do them safely. When Anita and Johnny need to get emotions out, they’ll take a baseball bat to a plastic pail in their backyard. Neighbors will peek over the fence, and Johnny will flash a thumbs up to show that no one is in danger.

The Jamie Boone Project

Johnny and Anita are still grieving, but they have turned pain into purpose by founding a nonprofit, the Jamie Boone Project. The pair spends hours toiling in their living room, assembling J.A.M.I.E. bags. It stands for Just A Mental Inventory Everyday. The bags contain things to take your mind off the world (stress balls, fidget spinners, journals and coloring books) and also steps to get long-term help, like information about the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline and the 741741 Crisis Text Line. Johnny and Anita take the bags to schools, hospitals and anywhere else that could use them.

“We know it’s not curative. It’s just one way to get them through the moment,” Anita says. “For example, some people in a mental health slide might struggle to journal about positives in their life. Instead, the J.A.M.I.E. bags ask you to write down three things that didn’t stink today. It could be something as simple as ‘the car started this morning.’”

The couple has also visited schools and had students write what they call S.A.G.E. words. That stands for Student Affirmations of Grace and Encouragement and is a nod to the Monticello High School mascot, a sage owl. Through S.A.G.E. words, students write things they like about their classmates. Johnny compiles the comments and gives them to each child, sometimes at a milestone event like graduation. It emphasizes a simple message, one that’s on a sign outside the Boone home: you matter.

“We always hear the negative things about us,” Johnny says, speaking generally about how words can hurt. “We need to be more intentional. We need to hear positive things. You don’t realize how much you mean to people.”

“I’ve not had anybody not give us positive feedback on all our work,” he adds. “Monticello and the area have embraced us.”

“I think what the Boones are doing is absolutely phenomenal,” Algee says.

Learn more

If you are experiencing mental or behavioral health issues, such as depression, anxiety or addiction to alcohol or drugs, there are resources available.

• The OSF HealthCare website lists resources such as support groups and SilverCloud, an anonymous online platform available to people 18 and up living in an area served by OSF, even if you’re not an OSF patient.
   
• The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. The lifeline encourages veterans to press one to be linked with resources unique to that group.
   
• The 741741 Crisis Text Line, similar to 988. This hotline’s website encourages you to reach if you simply “need to vent.”
   
• The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA.
   
• The Jamie Boone Project website lists other resources and hotlines.

“Talk to somebody. A professional, a friend,” Johnny urges. “Make a mental health safety sheet. Write down what things calm your spirit and who you can talk to. Anything that will help you get through a stressful situation. When you’re in the middle of the stressful situation, you’re not going to remember that you like to listen to a certain music to calm you down. You need to write it down. And make sure you give a copy to a friend or family member you talk to a lot. That way, they can spot the warning signs.”

“It’s OK to not be OK. You’re not alone. Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversation because suicide does not discriminate,” Anita says.

Interview clips - Johnny and Anita Boone

Interview clips - Brittany Algee

B-roll

Additional B-roll

Johnny Boone explains the Jamie Boone Project

Johnny Boone explains the J.A.M.I.E. bags

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