Author's note: this is part two of a multi-part series on the parent-teenager relationship. In the coming weeks, search the OSF Newsroom for Sara Bennett to find all the stories in this series.


What’s more delicate than a Fabergé egg? The parent-teenager relationship.

“Teenagers are working toward independence. That’s the good part. The hard part is that means they lean more toward their peer relationships,” says Sara Bennett, a psychotherapist at OSF HealthCare. “It can leave parents feeling like they’re drifting apart. It can make parents feel like they’re not very important. And it can make the teenagers a little moodier. They might be taking risks they weren’t once taking. They might find peer relationships that are not very positive.

“All of that can feel really challenging for parents to navigate when it feels like your child is slipping through your fingers,” Bennett adds.

Never fear, mom, dad and other caregivers. Bennett has a checklist to foster some years filled with respect, trustworthiness and positivity.

• Build trust with your teen. Two things for parents to consider here: have clear and concise expectations, and be consistent with your reactions.
  
  For example, if you let your child spend the night with their friend Matt one weekend but not the next, that could breed some confusion and resentment.
  
  “We want to create foresight and perspective so when they are out of our house and on their own making decisions, they can walk logically to make a great space for themselves,” Bennett says.
  
  Bennett says if your teen meets your expectations, you can reward them. Some rewards are inherent, she says. If the youngster gets good grades or calls dad to say they’re going to be late, that means less harping by the parents. But other rewards could include an allowance or treating them to dinner at their favorite restaurant.
   
• Know that advice and parenting strategies will change with age. Handling a 13-year-old is different than handling a 17-or 18-year-old, Bennett says with a smile.

“You start at 13 having more responsibility. Parents open the dialogue and talk about forgiveness, collaboration and developing that perspective. Then maybe by the time they’re 17, they don’t need a whole lot of parenting in that way,” Bennett says. “So maybe a 13-year-old still needs an 11 o’clock bedtime. But by the time they’re 17, they can really navigate their own bedtime. They know when they’re tired. They know when they have work to do. They know when wrestling practice is. Parents can just follow through and make sure they’re staying on track.”

• Give yourself grace. Bennett reminds you that parenting is tough, and there are a lot of people – family, friends and influencers – who try to tell you how to do it. Find what works for your family. Try hard, but cut yourself some slack when things aren’t perfect.
  
  “We all get on ourselves. We have a lot of parent guilt. But when you are loving your kids and putting time into them, the things you do wrong are just part of being a human being. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and your kids know that,” Bennett reassures. “In fact, I think parents and kids learn the most when they’ve both made mistakes and can find their way through.”

For example, don’t be afraid to say something like: I was really mad this morning, and maybe I said things I shouldn’t have. I’d like to revisit this and do this a different way because I think we both deserve a different outcome. That teaches good conflict resolution, Bennett says.

Or, ask: what can I do for you? What do you want from this situation? Remember that teenagers are experts on issues in their own life, and an adult won’t be able to solve all their problems. Sometimes, Bennett says, kids just want to vent.

Learn more

Read more about mental health resources available at OSF that can help build good family dynamics. Some resources, like behavioral health navigators and support groups at hospitals like the one Bennett works at, are available even if you are not an OSF patient.

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Author's note: this is part one of a multi-part series on the parent-teenager relationship. In the coming weeks, search the OSF Newsroom for Sara Bennett to find all the stories in this series.


What’s more delicate than a Fabergé egg? The parent-teenager relationship.

“Teenagers are working toward independence. That’s the good part. The hard part is that means they lean more toward their peer relationships,” says Sara Bennett, a psychotherapist at OSF HealthCare. “It can leave parents feeling like they’re drifting apart. It can make parents feel like they’re not very important. And it can make the teenagers a little moodier. They might be taking risks they weren’t once taking. They might find peer relationships that are not very positive.

“All of that can feel really challenging for parents to navigate when it feels like your child is slipping through your fingers,” Bennett adds.

Never fear, mom, dad and other caregivers. Bennett has a checklist to foster some years filled with respect, trustworthiness and positivity.

• Find shared experiences. Bennett points out that parents have no problem bonding with young kids. The youngsters want to play with mom and dad all the time. As kids get older, they are more often out of the house and exploring new interests.
  
  “With teenagers, parents tend to focus on the things that they deem important. How’d you do on your math test? How is your relationship with Susie?” Bennett says. “Those are great, and they need to be talked about. But we also need to spend time just doing things we enjoy with each other. Focus on trivial or unimportant things.”
  
  Try these with your teen: game night, a family dinner or a round of mini golf.
  
  “Just something to truly enjoy each other and stay connected in a fun way,” Bennett says. And it’s a time to talk about anything and everything that’s going on with the child. Just make sure it’s an activity the teen wants to do and the parent can tolerate for a couple hours, not the other way around.
   
• Build communication skills. Bennett advises keeping the conversations consistent and light. Try asking: what’s the goofiest thing that happened at school today?
  
  “Connect with them on the things that matter to them. Then when the things that come up that are important to talk about, you can do that,” Bennett suggests. “When you do talk to them about the big, important things, ask them how it’s going. Leave it open-ended, validate their feelings and stay engaged and connected with them. Really try to hear what they’re saying. And before we decide to dive in and give them any constructive tips or problem solve for them, ask them if they would like help. Try to create some forethought and perspective instead of telling them what they should do.”
  
  Examples of open-ended questions on tough topics: What are kids doing with drugs these days? Are your friends drinking on the weekends? What do you think about that? If you’re ever in that situation, are you going to get in a car with someone who’s been drinking? What would your coach think of you doing that?
  
  Verbiage to avoid: You’re going to be in big trouble if you come home tonight and I find out you’ve been drinking.

Learn more

Read more about mental health resources available at OSF that can help build good family dynamics. Some resources, like behavioral health navigators and support groups at hospitals like the one Bennett works at, are available even if you are not an OSF patient.

Interview clips

Related stories

Don't feel the burn
Fall into self-care
College student home? Here's how to check their mental health
Big emotions, bigger solutions
Mental health care starts with a first step

Television host Carson Daly is the latest celebrity to try what some call sleep divorce. Couples who sleep in the same bed but are not getting that coveted seven to eight hours of shut eye will slumber with some degree of separation: in the same bed but with separate blankets, in separate beds in the same room or in separate rooms.

Daly called the move the “best thing” for his marriage during a summer episode of the Today Show.

“We both, admittedly, slept better apart,” he said.

The concept is one worth exploring for couples who are kept up by snoring, restlessness, differences in sleep schedule or other nighttime issues, says Nadeem Ahmed, MD, a pulmonologist at OSF HealthCare in Alton, Illinois.

But let’s get one thing straight.

“I don’t like the term ‘sleep divorce’ because it tends to blame other people. It’s not a good word. It brings anxiety,” Dr. Ahmed says.

“I like to use ‘sleep alliance.’ They’re working together. They’re working things out. They want to make sure it’s healthy for both bed partners and the sleep disturbances don’t affect the other partner’s life,” he says.

Have the discussion

Dr. Ahmed says he encounters sleep issues, like snoring, in his practice “almost every day,” and many people are shy about it.

Every case is different. Dr. Ahmed says couples should first talk out their sleep issues and try to find a solution. The partners could try sleeping in separate beds during the week and in the same bed on the weekend so intimacy is not completely lost. Some mattresses have different firmness, temperature and slant on each side, which can help.

If needed, the partners should talk to a pulmonologist or psychologist.

“A lot of psychologists will do similar things that a physician will do. It’s just the comfort level of the person,” Dr. Ahmed explains. “Sometimes they don’t want to go to a medical doctor for the sleep problem. They would rather talk to a psychologist.”

“The idea is to discuss it with some type of professional,” he says.

Dr. Ahmed adds that sleeping separately should be a short-term solution.

“Tell your bed partner this is an issue, and we need to address it. As opposed to just getting mad or feeling crummy or sleepy the next day,” Dr. Ahmed says, “Because it can affect your job, like if you’re a machine operator or have to drive a truck.”

A major cause

Dr. Ahmed says a big cause of the restlessness that leads to sleep alliance discussions is sleep apnea, when people stop breathing during sleep. This can lead to loud snoring or body movement in bed and crabbiness or grogginess the next day.

Dr. Ahmed says there are two types of sleep apnea: obstructive and central. Obstructive sleep apnea is a product of obesity. Central sleep apnea is associated with neurological deficits like a stroke.

“[Sleep apnea] is not fatal because our brains are hard-wired to let you go to a certain time, and then it triggers you to take a breath,” Dr. Ahmed explains.

But, if the condition is left untreated, there is a litany of possible issues: hypertension, cardiac arrhythmia, diabetes, dementia, headaches and frequent urination.

Diagnosis of sleep apnea would involve a sleep study, either in your home or at a hospital.

Treatment options include a mask and machine combination known as a CPAP or BiPAP, a mouth guard or a small device that’s implanted in your body in outpatient surgery. All those options aim to help you breathe normally and sleep peacefully.

“Along with that, we have to stress lifestyle changes,” to rid oneself of sleep apnea, Dr. Ahmed adds. “Eating healthy. Losing weight. Getting exercise.”

Over-the-counter options for better sleep include melatonin, an eye mask, earplugs, thick window curtains, a plush mattress and sheets and a white noise device like a smart speaker. Don’t eat or drink, aside from water, a couple hours before bedtime, Dr. Ahmed also advises.

Learn more

Learn more about healthy sleep on the OSF HealthCare website. If you’re having sleep problems, especially if it’s impacting your daytime life, talk to your primary care provider, a pulmonologist or a behavioral health provider.

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OSF HealthCare blog entries on sleep
 

This collaboration will better serve patients in the community by bringing exceptional medical and surgical specialties closer to home. The affiliation combines a commitment to exceptional care and an expanded, comprehensive network of expert specialty and subspecialty physicians for patients in the area.

The latest collaboration will see Ameera Nauman, MD, a pediatrician at OSF Saint Anthony’s, move into the SSM Health network while continuing to see patients at the OSF Medical Group office in Godfrey. The Godfrey office offers primary care for adults as well as pediatric care. Dr. Nauman will have access to SSM Health Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital, a world-class facility in St. Louis, for emergency and specialty care, such as advanced pediatric diagnostic testing, surgical services and sports care.

“I’m excited to be part of this collaboration that will allow my patients greater access to timely and exceptional care from pediatric specialists who are at the top of their field,” said Dr. Nauman. “Parents can know all of their child’s medical needs are in the hands of well-equipped, premier health professionals.”

“Hospital and health care providers can no longer operate in silos and must be willing to embrace meaningful collaboration that will result in availability of high quality, sustainable health care across their communities,” said Jerry Rumph, president of OSF Saint Anthony’s. “Dr. Nauman will be supported by pediatric specialists in areas including cardiology, oncology, neurology and gastroenterology. This team will have access to the NICU [Neonatal Intensive Care Unit] and a Level I [One] Pediatric Trauma Center at Cardinal Glennon Hospital, where providers are equipped to handle the most complicated and complex cases.”

Jeremy Fotheringham, region president of SSM Health St. Louis and Academics, said, “This collaboration will allow us to better meet the needs of this community while providing value and convenience to our patients. By working together, we further our Mission and Vision to ensure all people have access to the high-quality, personalized care they need.”

OSF Saint Anthony’s and SSM Health are excited about the new affiliation and are currently developing additional opportunities to bring more medical specialties to the greater Riverbend community to enhance and improve the health and wellness of residents. In April, the health systems announced enhanced heart care close to home through the addition of Sridhar Kumar, MD, a cardiologist at SSM Health Saint Louis University Hospital, who became chief of Cardiology Services at OSF Saint Anthony’s.

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